Many of us are looking for ‘the One’ with whom to have a romantic relationship, but the set-up of the horoscope tells us that for each person there are many ‘Ones.’ A lot of people reject this idea; why then, they ask, has it been so hard to find a mate? Any mate, that lasts more than a couple of months. And my answer to that is, because you don’t really know what you want. And by extension, that also asserts that you don’t know yourself well enough to recognize the person who is right for you.

Sounds cynical, doesn’t it? Like I’m accusing people of deliberately walking around unwilling to discover (and in some cases, to accept) what would create the most satisfying relationship for them. Yes, yes I am. I’ve been doing this long enough to know some basic truths about human behavior, and conflict between what they want because they think it’s glamorous, fashionable, cool, or that it’s what they should want, versus what they truly long for, is common. Why do we shy away from knowing true fulfillment in relationship? Many times, it’s because we fear it’s not glamorous, fashionable, cool, or will not win us accolades or approval from those who matter to us. Sad, but very often true. We tend to see relationships as extensions of us–and the last thing we want is to feel embarassed by the behavior of someone with whom we link ourselves (and, of course, if we suffer from this, we tend to judge others this way, so expect they will judge us, using the same standards, as well).

When we finally decide that accepting who we are will lead us to being incredibly happy, we can turn to the horoscope for guidance. The natal chart can help us define not just what we want, but who will find us attractive, and if we can raise our own awareness of where discrepancies lie in our thinking, we will be that much better equipped to recognize who will suit us when we meet them. Looking at just one area, we see that the 5th describes what we characterize as romantic–these characteristics attract us like a moth to a flame, and with about that much forethought. When we mate based on the 5th, we are 9 times out of 10 in for a rude awakening, because the images of the 5th are taken from our concepts of romance, not from real life. Romance is a lens through which we willingly look when we want to see someone as suitable; it’s a soft-focus rooted in our creative abilities (also shown by the 5th) and that relates romance directly to the fantasy and delusion we find in our Neptune.

Then we examine the 7th, looking for what we see as ‘mate material’ (Juno also plays a part in this, particularly for men). The differences between the two Houses are often startling. Have you ever seen someone who dated one kind of person, then seemingly ‘out of the blue’ married another kind? Were there cries of ‘What does she see in him?’ or ‘She’s nothing like x, his last girlfriend’? Then you were witnessing the crossed-wire impulses of someone who dated by the 5th, but married by the 7th–which is an improvement over marrying by the 5th, as these people are utterly confounded after the ceremony, often feeling like they don’t know the person they married–and they probably don’t!

Let’s take the example of a woman with Aquarius on the 5th–she dates her intellectual equal, likes mind play, shares a taste for ‘the modern,’ and may choose partners from the avant garde or who are wildly impulsive–she defines these behaviors as romantically stimulating. If she marries such a partner, unless he has a strong Mars/ Arian streak (as Aries is on the 7th), she may not find him suitable after the Big Day, simply because she looks for a life partner who is a take charge leader, a pioneer (which is compatible with the Aquarian forward-thinking) and perhaps a bit of an egotist or chauvanist (which is definitely not compatible with the Aquarian outlook). If she abandons her romantic ideals and marries someone strongly Arian, unless he also shows Uranus or Aquarius prominent, she may spend her marriage longing for romance.

Of course, there are many other factors, not the least of which involve tastes and ways of relating (Venus), sex drive (Mars), intensity (Pluto), imagination, playfulness, and fantasy (Neptune) and identity needs (Sun, Moon, Venus, Mars, and chart ruler, with varying degrees of importance, depending on one’s sex). Cross chart interaction is what truly defines a relationship as a good one (and if you want to label it ‘the One,’ I won’t stop you!) And the more we know about what we want, and what our partner wants, the better we will do at satisfying needs and desires, all around.

Like my take on relationships? Try my book THE ASTROLOGY OF INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, available through Dog & Sunflower Press http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com  Thanks!