Category Archives: relationship astrology

Conscious Relationship

27 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in astrology, future events in the sky, relationship astrology, Venus

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Some people give up relationships altogether, and get a cat. Gwen John c1922 {{PD-Art}}

This is a re-print from this blog, 2009–if you’d like the forecast in all its glorious detail, sign up here:

No one is entirely conscious within a relationship; there is always something about ourselves or the other person that we’re willing to ignore, look away from, tacitly accept, or pretend we don’t know. This is part of civilization, an agreement not to read each other’s minds, to embrace the pretense that we can’t know the other person immediately. I think I was first introduced to this concept in Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin (during my brief turn as a midwife), and ever since first reading of it I’ve observed human interaction with that in mind: if we want to, we can see the other person whole, for precisely who they are, at any time.

Now, it’s not just the rules of civilization that facilitate the creation of such boundaries; our own psyches need particular experiences, we might call them lessons or interactions or a deepening of our understanding of human nature or of ourselves, and this leads us to ignore what we could know, to put ourselves into interactions that may be, on the surface, damaging, or cause our victimization, or that are some kind of relationship ‘wrong turn,’ at least when seen from the finite, earthly, want to get from point a to point b as quickly as possible, perspective. This is why we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves when we make, despite our best efforts, what we judge to be a misstep; even the less than perfect experience, relationship, event offers something that shapes us, or that gives us an opportunity to respond differently than we may have in the past, to grow (and it very often offers both).

So, we might want to know which times are best for getting the clearest view possible of our relationships. The upcoming Venus retrograde period will be a prime time, at least in terms of getting an alternative view of relationships, love, and assets as they figure in your life, and this is particularly so if the retrograde occurs in your 5th, 7th, or 11th–this focuses the spotlight on those significant relationships represented by the Houses, with activity in the 8th emphasizing the significant other or a partnership in terms of what’s being shared, while retrograde occurring in the 1st, 2nd, or 12th makes your own internal workings most prominent. Colleagues, teachers, bosses, other authorities, and those with whom you must work get a once over when Venus retros in your 6th, 9th, and 10th, and family relationships are at the forefront with retro in the 4th, and specifically relationships with siblings and neighbors (or those around whom you grew up) are important with the retro in the 3rd.

Other transits that may facilitate clarity include Saturn, which brings reality home to roost, the Sun, which shines a bright light on whatever it touches, and the Moon, which offers fleeting illumination that is at once more subtle or gentle in tone than the Sun’s, but also carries a tinge of the emotional reality, which may or may not aid perceptions. These planets and lights in contact by Solar Arc and Secondary Progression bring the same opportunities but over a much longer term.

Emotional Bombings: Letterman and NASA

09 Friday Oct 2009

Posted by in aspects and placements, astrology, Chiron, Finger of God, Moon, relationship astrology

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I think these two events, the announcement of an extortion attempt revolving around talk show host David Letterman’s office affairs with staff members, and the bombing of our satellite Moon seeking evidence of water by NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration), are in a sense, one and the same, or at least, two reflections of a similar dynamic involving Chiron. Can we call this a ‘hurt to heal’ manifestation of the energies? Maybe, as in Letterman’s case his willingness to speak openly of his involvements took the power away from the extortionist, and though it certainly was hurtful to his new wife, Regina Lasko (but please, she met him while working on the show, over 20 years ago–doesn’t that suggest she knows precisely what kind of environment exists behind the scenes at ‘Late Night’?) it also meant that no one could threaten to ‘out’ Letterman–and for all we know, Lasko may have known about the affairs, and made her own peace with it.

When, on his show, Letterman detailed the threats he’d received, an astute reader asked me if the marriage of Letterman and Lasko hadn’t occurred under some less-than-optimal conditions–and indeed it had. Letterman’s public confession came with a Finger of God formed by transiting energies Mercury and Mars, with apex Chiron–surely an appropriate description of the admission, a kind of ‘Rip the band-aid off quickly’ method of dealing with hurt involving communicating and taking action.

The marriage chart for Lasko and Letterman (19 March 2009 3:00 PM in Choteau, Montana, per Letterman’s own announcement on his show) illustrates that tension may be an ongoing theme, as well as difficulty of the two parties successfully connecting. The Moon (bride) and the Sun (groom) form no aspect at the time of the wedding, but will connect by Solar Arc eventually in sextile–not promising. Juno is also exactly conjunct Chiron, cluing us in to the likely response to a threat of hurt (personal empowerment, taking control of the threat to partnership). The Sun itself is at 29 degrees Pisces, promising unrelenting tension, and Venus (the woman) and Mars (the man) make no contact but will eventually semi-sextile by Solar Arc–again, weak, and add to this Venus in Retrograde–oy! Nothing of a contract or relationship nature should be finalized during Venus’ retreat–we are just too unsteady in identifying our values and what matters to us, if nothing else. And we look at the significators for the Ascendant and Descendant, which also stand-in for bride and groom (designation depends on the personal charts of the individuals, though sometimes it’s obviously related to one or the other), and we see that the Sun and Uranus are past conjunction, perhaps suggesting that the relationship, too, is past its prime contact point (in this case that works out by Solar Arc measurement to have been the conception of son Harry. Sorry, I couldn’t get the chart to reproduce in a readable form–will keep working on it.

Does the wedding chart imply the relationship is doomed? Though I haven’t studied it closely, I think the answer is ‘no,’ as my impression is more along the lines of it being an arrangement–not without genuine feeling, but also missing the compelling spark between two individuals that we typically believe drives marriage today. Perhaps it’s a more practical relationship than we would like to imagine for people who choose to stay together and create a family–romanticism can lead us to over-value sex, magnetism, and one-and-only love while undervaluing companionship and a shared goal (in this case, the raising of their child).

Now what does this have to do with NASA crashing two bodies into the Moon? When it happened, about 4:30 AM 9 October (Pacific coast), the Moon was making a a trine to Chiron. An astute Twitter friend asked me what I thought the bombing signified–and I answered that it was in some way a Collective wound that we must look for the counterpart to in our own lives–but it also may in my opinion signify the kind of insult we’ve been suffering as a Collective for some time, as those who have the power act ‘in our name’ in ways that are pointlessly destructive–am I saying the bombing of the Moon is pointless? I’m not venturing an opinion one way or the other about the validity of the action, since I’m not a scientist privy to the thought process behind this choice–I’m simply saying that, coming right now, this seems to symbolize emotionally destructive actions on a mass scale–an undermining, perhaps, and it’s so interesting that they used a Centaur rocket! I think we meet it best by acknowledging the active Chiron in our own lives–how we may be hurt and hurting others–and the example of David Letterman’s public honesty, no matter what you think of the actions that led to the need for his confession, is a good attitude for us all to take–responsibility, openness, and the courage to own up to who and what we are.

I don’t know what the Moon bombing might stand for, though I was tempted to link it to Obama’s win of the Nobel for Peace. It seems to me a kind of wounding disservice to award someone something before he’s been able to implement so many of his ideas, a way to at once hamstring him (will he be able to send troops where he feels he needs to with the mantel of ‘Peacemaker’ on him?) and to somehow take the glory from the prize–the earning of it, through accomplishment, is where the prestige has always been–and though it was no small feat for an African-American to win the office of President, we need to let him show his stuff–not be in such a hurry to applaud him or condemn him that we don’t listen to his points, support his efforts at reform, and allow him to develop a foreign policy true to what he feels we need–rather than allow this blunting of his reach, by having Europe tell him, ‘You’re the bringer of Peace, now go sit in the corner.” Catch Jude Cowell’s excellent analysis here http://starsoverwashington.blogspot.com/2009/10/obamas-potential-peaciness-to-be.html and here by Dana Gerhardt http://mooncircles.com/blog/2009/10/obamas-peace-prize/

See the latest ‘What You’re Asking’ http://askjulie.wordpress.com/2009/10/10/what-youre-asking-asteroids-and-social-skills/

What You’re Asking: 12th House Suns, Juno/ Venus Synastry, and, Are Scorpio Moons Misanthropic?

19 Saturday Sep 2009

Posted by in 12th House, 5th House, astrology, Astrology of Careers Vocations and Callings, Juno, Moon, relationship astrology, Sun, Venus

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We’ve got a lot of ground to cover; let’s get started with a couple of topics, rather than questions:

5th House and employment astro

When I saw this as a search combo I wondered what led someone to link these together; was it an idea that creativity has something to do with finding a job, or perhaps that they were looking for a job that features creativity? Many people make the mistake of believing that a strong (much occupied, holding the Sun, Moon, or Ascendant ruler) 5th House or transits to the 5th promise a career in the Arts–and though someone with a strong 5th House may indeed find a profession of a traditional creative nature, I see the 5th House as actually signifying one’s store of intangible creative energy, a spark much more potent and broad than is the intent to make Art (though this can certainly be the urge behind it), a life energy that must come out somewhere in one’s circumstances and activities. It’s this same energy that fuels romance, and the conception of a child, both topics also located here (and think of how we tend to see each as coming just a little bit from out of the blue–this is the unconscious organizing and drawing to us that reflects the nature of our 5th house energy), and my theory is that this energy will find a way to express; if we don’t use that creative energy consciously, it leaks out through contacts to the 5th, showing up as action in other life areas. (I once wrote an article on this very subject, the emphasis being on the way the energy tends to express through the mechanism of the unconscious, and the oh-so-helpful magazine editor went through and removed the ‘un’ from every mention of consciousness, thus effectively neutering the meaning of the piece. I had the distinct feeling she didn’t actually grasp my point.) In terms of employment, there are other items we would inspect in the natal chart first, but the 5th can offer clues as to the kind of energy that may be pushing pushing on the unconscious, and that can serve us well, professionally and in life, if channeled, and harnessed to our Will.

Sun in the 12th House

This is a Sun location that really baffles people, especially early on in their study of astrology. It’s tough to define as a placement because the House itself is hard to explain, but we can think of Sun in the 12th this way: the experiences of those with a 12th House Sun will feel ‘once removed’ from the flow of life. By this I mean, the individual will thrive in private–this doesn’t mean he or she won’t be well-known or popular, but instead that the identity development and Soul expression will take place within, and much of this will occur in the subconscious and/ or in large, Cosmic experiences (such as happen in meditations or dreams) that are impossible to share. This can make for a rich imagination and a profound connection to the Universe, as well as an ability to empathize to a depth no other Sun placement can; it also makes for some frustration in communications (though if the individual can turn to images they can communicate directly to others’ Souls). Often, these people will find themselves working behind the scenes, or in a capacity of support for others, or that, even if they gain fame, their attention will remain largely on their inner vision. It’s a unique placement in the way it brings the internal world above the horizon of the chart and links it so directly to the Collective energy, and those with a 12th House Sun have the unusual opportunity to live quite successfully with one figurative foot in the World and one foot planted firmly in the vastness of the Universe.

More on 12th House Suns here https://juliedemboski.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/what-youre-asking-composites-political-suns-and-venus-venus-venus/

Juno square Venus synastry

We have four possibilities here, and each one is significantly different in terms of meaning–why? Because it’s all-important what the sex of each individual is in interpreting this combo. We’ll go one at a time: male Juno square female Venus= dynamic and possibly very promising in a relationship, as we see the male idea of who he wants as a partner contact the female’s ideal of herself as a woman. There could be some basic conflict (the square), but this puts the placements (likely) in the same modality, and if so a harmony can be worked out that can include the spark that comes from just the right amount of friction. female Juno square male Venus= here we have the female’s concept of Self-empowerment squaring off against a man’s aesthetic nature, anima, and asset/ values picture, likely creating a perpetual problem over what receives priority in the relationship, conflicts in spending and values, and these will be felt by the female as undermining her sense of Self and her ability to affect things–not a good combo. male Juno square male Venus= with a same sex male couple the split of animus and anima energies becomes key to understanding effects: if the person with Venus has assumed slightly more anima, then this will read very much like male/Juno female/Venus, above; if it’s the Venus of the animus dominant individual, then we may see a clash over values and relationship standards that could be in conflict with the Juno male’s idea of good partnership. With two females sharing this synastric aspect, we see something intensely competitive, as the two women work out a clash over feelings of empowerment (for one) and the sense of female identity (for the other).

I connected spiritually during sex with

That’s all there was–but there sure are a lot of ways to finish that sentence, aren’t there?

Now, on to questions:

Why do passive-aggressive men sulk?

Because they’re passive-aggressive! Next! No, really, sulking is a passive-aggressive act–no one bothers to sulk when they’re alone, do they? It’s a surface-passive demand for attention that has very aggressive roots. Remember, passive-aggression is both angry and an attempt to manipulate–it’s as if the individual refuses to see themselves as angry, or refuses to acknowledge their own anger and their own wants–instead they combine the two and expect others to jump. The answer? Ignore him. This will eventually infuriate him enough that he’ll actually act, which is something he wants to avoid, because the one thing passive-aggressive people want to do is avoid responsibility. For anything. Ever. They see claiming actions, desires, or even thoughts as an opportunity for others to blame them–and Mr. Passive-A likely grew up in a blame culture. So, while ignoring him, also provide a blame-free environment into which he might, someday, wish to emerge, and if the relationship can survive his not-so-subtle sabotage, he might one fine day lay down his blame stick, take your hand, and actually tell you what he wants to do after dinner.

More on sulking men here http://askjulie.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/sulking-across-the-zodiac-men-and-mood/

How to know if an Aquarius man is taken with you?

This can be tricky, as an Aquarius man, though typically a bit on the cool side, loves the clinical nature of an experiment–and what is a better human experiment than flirting mildly even when he’s unavailable? With this guy, you may need to take a direct approach (especially because withdrawing in order to see if he pursues won’t work–even if he is interested, as he may not notice a growing distance between you!) Asking him if he’s interested is one way to go, but more effective (and less damning, as you won’t look like you’ve been sitting around wondering) is, the next time he makes a remark along these lines, you should turn, look directly at him, and say, “What exactly do you mean by that?” He probably won’t balk at having to explain himself, and you’ll have the advantage of hearing firsthand precisely what he was intending to convey. Mystery solved! Warning: this method does not work with any other sign, with the possible exception of Capricorn.

How long till a man realizes he’s in love?

Unfortunately, a man may not realize he’s actually in love until he’s faced with losing you–it seems it often takes a little scare, a reminder that time marches on, and that he’s mortal and you may be ready to stamp your relationship potential with an expiration date, before he admits to himself that he cares. I’m not advocating the time-worn ‘make him jealous’ idea; instead, you may need to think of it this way: men are hunters by hormones and instincts, and you are the hunted (at least in their symbolic vernacular). The hunter will realize you’re escaping when he sees a flash of your lovely, slender hindquarters (relax, I’m thinking of a deer!) as you bound away, innocently off to graze elsewhere (and, he’ll naturally think, be ogled by other hunters). If he’s truly interested, it will spur him to take aim and pull the trigger (stay calm, symbols, symbols, that’s all they are!)  And if he doesn’t, if he’s willing to let you move off to greener pastures . . . then you’ve found out he wasn’t in love, after all.

Is Scorpio Moon misanthropic?

Of course not! What Scorpio Moon hater told you Scorpio Moons hate people? Not only is a single placement unable to delineate such a trait, it would take quite a pile-up of negative inclinations to safely declare someone a misanthrope using only the natal chart. Scorpio Moons can seem a little hatey to those of us who like things psychotically cheerful 24/7–but that’s more a failure of perception on the observer’s part than an indication of a true dislike of humanity by Scorp.

Lastly, and encompassing one of the major questions we will ever face–

Why can’t we see our divinity?

The short answer is, because we don’t accept the entirety of ourselves as we exist in the moment, and it’s impossible to accept as divine that which we perceive to be flawed. Now, some of us will see this question and confuse seeing the divine within with calling ourselves ‘God.’ That is not what’s happening here; we are instead challenged to recognize that we are made of Creator-stuff (for what creation does not carry the shape, form, and essence of its creator?) and that means that we are, indeed, modeled on the divine, and out of divine-stuff–and so it’s up to us to accept ourselves, imperfect as we may feel we are, as innately divine, and thus to love ourselves, and to accept our perfection and our flaws, which are in their own way their own perfection–we just don’t see the wholeness, the beauty of it, yet.

Juno in Synastry: Dylan and Baez

16 Saturday May 2009

Posted by in aspects and placements, astrology, Juno, relationship astrology

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Baez DylanWho better as an example of Juno’s influence in relationship than in the now-kaput affair between the ersatz royalty of the Folkie-Protest movement, balladeers Bob Dylan and Joan Baez? Their birthdays are only a handful of months apart, so to delineate meaning we must look at what’s different, rather than what’s the same, but we must also note that a mirror effect occurs; sometimes a Juno aspect in the chart is echoed cross-chart, because the Junos are conjunct, and this suggests that these partners acted to externalize for each other some of the Juno dynamic that was also an internal dynamic for each. 

In Dylan’s chart (24 May 1941  9:05 PM Duluth MN USA) his Juno (28 Leo 49) fills in a T-square to his Gemini Sun/ Sagittarius Earth axis (he may feel that empowered women, as well as his own anima, clash with his Soul and Material Direction); Juno also squares Pallas (which is conjunct Earth, and so involved in the T-square) and this suggests that for him the concept of wisdom is at odds with the idea of partnership, as if he cannot accept that a partner can be wise! Juno squares the Jupiter/ Uranus conjunction (again, a threat, this time to the freedom and individuality); and Juno quincunxes the South Node (in this case, a ‘never goin’ there with a woman again!’ position). All these perceptions are really cemented in place, as Juno is conjunct Vesta, signifying that his internal ideas about partnership/ the mate are sacred, and will always trump reality. If you know Dylan and his work, you know his persona is notoriously hard to pin down, a ramblin’ man in more ways than one, and his Juno in Leo suggests he wants a woman/ partner who ‘shines’ with strength and purpose (the Sun)–a tough thing for a woman to fulfill, when his Juno aspects insist that she will, in the end, be fallible and unreliable. Dylan plants the seeds of the end of the relationship before it even begins, in an inability to trust, or accept the wisdom of, a partner.
Dylan’s beliefs about women as shown in his natal chart are perfectly reflected here in his song, ‘Don’t think twice, it’s alright’ 

It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don’t matter, anyhow
An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don’t know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I’ll be gone
You’re the reason I’m trav’lin’ on
Don’t think twice, it’s all right
It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An’ it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
I’m on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin’ anyway
So don’t think twice, it’s all right
It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain’t no use in callin’ out my name, gal
I can’t hear you any more
I’m a-thinkin’ and a-wond’rin’ all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I’m told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don’t think twice, it’s all right
I’m walkin’ down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
But goodbye’s too good a word, gal
So I’ll just say fare thee well
I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s all right

While for Dylan the Juno interactions are in essence challenges to his idea of himself as a man, Joan (9 January 1941  10:45 AM Staten Island NY USA) Baez’s Juno (7 Virgo 16) presents a quandry concerning her internal workings: empowerment threatens the emotions and the intuitive and feeling nature, and vice versa.  Baez’s Juno also creates a T-square, this time with her Mars/ Moon opposition (the feeling nature at odds with the action/ ego/ animus, and both threatened by her own empowerment); Juno also happens to be square Ceres, which is conjunct Mars, and this speaks volumes on the conflict between the natural creative energies of Ceres, their ‘alliance’ with the ego and action urges (as well as with her idea of the ‘ideal man’) and the need for empowerment–and it spells out the idea that Joan may see the man in her life as the elementally creative one, and that this doesn’t support her own empowerment situation. Juno also trines the Jupiter/ Saturn conjunction (empowerment assists reaching out, feeling free, and building something meaningful); and Juno trines the Midheaven (empowerment aids the career) and quincunxes the South Node (in this case, suggesting that past experiences have not given her the impression that empowerment is a positive thing). If you know Baez, then you know she built her career on the image of being a strong and capable woman, and her Juno in Virgo is the epitome of just those qualities–we have to wonder, though, what toll it took on the feeling nature, and on relationships with men, considering the chart indicators. And there’s something else here, and that is that Baez’s Juno, though embroiled in an internal struggle, measures its effectiveness as does any woman’s Juno, in its interactions with the external world and relationships; it’s an outward-looking energy, and her work based on the relationship with Dylan reflects this.
The state of Joan’s Juno and its attention to the partner is well-illustrated here, in ‘Diamonds and Rust’ (notice the references to the Madonna, the Moon, and the girl on the half-shell, obviously Venus, all of which are traditional female symbols and all of which in this instance seem to support the mo-jo of the male caller from the past).

Well I’ll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that’s not unusual
It’s just that the moon is full
And you happened to call
And here I sit
Hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I’d known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall
As I remember your eyes
Were bluer than robin’s eggs
My poetry was lousy you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the midwest
Ten years ago
I bought you some cufflinks
You brought me something
We both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust
Well you burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms
And there you stayed
Temporarily lost at sea
The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell
Would keep you unharmed
Now I see you standing
With brown leaves falling around
And snow in your hair
Now you’re smiling out the window
Of that crummy hotel
Over Washington Square
Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there
Now you’re telling me
You’re not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague
Because I need some of that vagueness now
It’s all come back too clearly
Yes I loved you dearly
And if you’re offering me diamonds and rust
I’ve already paid

Cross-chart there are many echoes that actively externalize the internal. The differences, though, tell the story: Joan’s Juno opposes Bob’s Pisces Mars, telling us her state of empowerment is directly at odds with who he is as a man; and his Juno trines her Venus, suggesting that who she is as a woman is in keeping with his idea of an appropriate mate/ partner. However, when you’ve got both Junos square her Moon/ Mars opposition, you’ve got not only her internal discord but his interaction creating a similar dynamic, adding the idea that anything he views as empowered behavior will be at odds with her emotional and assertive/ ego nature, as well as being in disagreement with her vision of the ‘ideal man.’ As well, with her Juno opposed his Mars, every time she exerts her own empowerment he would likely feel wounded as a man, especially so with Mars in Pisces, as this Mars would likely see itself as all lovey-dovey and peace, man, and her Juno would be at the very least demanding accountability, and perhaps bringing criticism into the mix.
The two most telling contacts are probably his Juno square her Moon–what woman can pair with a man whose anima would continually be challenging her emotional viewpoint?–and Dylan’s own Juno, as well as Joan’s, square his Jupiter/ Uranus conjunction; with this aspect he might as well wear a sign that says, ‘Women will take your freedom and tie you down!’ So, despite his Sun conjunct her Moon, a classic mating indicator, along with his Venus (his idea of the ‘ideal woman’) in Gemini in wide conjunction with her Moon, Juno tells us that there are too many upsets inherent in her empowerment, both internal and external ones, and too many beliefs on his part that a strong woman will somehow restrict him, to let these two remain in intimate relationship for long.
This is actually an extended version of the 5th and final part of the Juno series that would have appeared at sasstrology. See my book on Juno at http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com excerpts from it here https://juliedemboski.wordpress.com/2010/09/21/excerpts-from-juno-in-the-natal-chart/   and follow my blog on relationships here http://askjulie.wordpress.com  My other books (on Chiron and on relationships) are also available at http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com  

Relationships, Anyone?

27 Monday Apr 2009

Posted by in astrology, Relationship Advice, relationship astrology

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If you’ve got a relationship dilemma, you might want to check out my new blog, Been There, Done That http://askjulie.wordpress.com that features reader submitted questions, polls, articles (with special attention to the asteroids) and reader comments.

Is Your Love Conditional?

14 Tuesday Apr 2009

Posted by in aspects and placements, astrology, Consciousness Explored, relationship astrology, Venus

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Unconditional love is the love we’re all seeking, all the time, whether we’re aware of it or not, and in our ideal life, we’d be surrounded by it in every circumstance. But how often do we inspect the quality of the love we offer others? Often, we give it with expectations, assumptions, and qualifiers; and we may then ask, is it still really love? Yes, it is, it’s just that we may without realizing it hook needs of our own to loving someone else; ideally, we will in the course of a lifetime (or many!) learn to love purely, without those requirements or pre-conditions–but how?

Our expectations are often quite reasonable; for instance, we should expect to be treated well within an intimate relationship, as healthy Self-respect and Self-regard demand it. We run into a problem, though, when we say through our behavior, “I love him; he’s rude, arrogant, thoughtless, and cheats on me, but because I love him I must stay engaged in the relationship and try to change his behavior.”  This is based on the belief that everything would be fine if he would just conform to the mate’s expectations of treatment.We feel justified in demanding this because, well, we say we love him. But what we fail to realize is that love is beside the point; love can exist no matter the behaviors of any of the parties, it’s intimate relationship that’s where we must choose to be with those who treat us well–and we must do this by recognizing and accepting another’s behavior as it is, not as we think it should be.

Too often we are attracted to someone, draw closer, and then immediately begin to judge their attitudes and behavior. We feel that we can criticize and demand changes because we claim to love the individual–but what do we love if we don’t accept them as they are?

What we must learn not to do is tie our own willingness to love another to how they treat us, how they behave, or what they are out in the world; and we can only love another by seeing and accepting who they are. What I’m saying is this: we must learn to love without condition, even as we love ourselves enough not to continue in relationship with those who don’t love and respect us. It’s very simple: at the bottom of every successful and loving intimate relationship is a love for Oneself that says, “I love you no matter what; but to stay in intimate connection to me, you must continue to behave in a loving and respectful manner.” If the partner doesn’t treat us kindly, we can continue to love them, but we don’t need to remain in an intimate relationship with them–in fact, we cannot stay in intimate relationship with them if we love ourselves. Part of our weakness in loving both ourselves and others is to confuse the two, to believe that a love relationship exists even when our partner is behaving in an unloving way. It’s true that love may exist, but a loving relationship does not–and that is the heart of how we must choose our companions. It’s noble to continue to love someone who mistreats you–it isn’t noble in the least to remain open to, vulnerable to, and in intimate contact with someone who mistreats you. A truly loving attitude toward others is not based in how they treat us, but a relationship is.

One of the most mature and loving things we can do for ourselves is to recognize when we are in a close relationship where love and respect are not shown to us and to say, as Buddha is reported to have done when confronted on the path by an angry man, “I respectfully decline your gift of anger, and ask that you keep it for yourself.” You see, we may love someone, but just because they offer us something ugly or destructive doesn’t mean we must accept it. To subject ourselves to the unloving denigration of others is to treat ourselves in an unloving way–and if we don’t love ourselves, we don’t have love to give others–because we simply can’t give away what we don’t have, and if we don’t have a resource for ourselves, tangible or intangible, we are unable to share that resource with others. So, to remain in a relationship where we are treated badly is to be unable to love, since to continue involvement says we do not love ourselves, and so cannot truly love another.

Where do we find the conditions we might place on our love? In the state of Venus in the natal chart, of course, but also in the situation of the Sun, as this represents the Soul, the essence of the pure love known as life energy, and in the condition of Neptune, as representative of our ideals. The Moon, too, might give us useful clues, as significator of the feeling nature and the intuition, and the Moon, Venus, and Neptune elaborate on how we relate to others in intangible ways.

With these ideas in mind, let’s look at the chart of Clara Petacci, 29 years younger cousin and mistress of dictator Benito Mussolini, born 28 February 1912 at 10:15 AM Rome, Italy. Clara’s Venus sits on the Midheaven just minutes inside the 10th in Aquarius and conjunct ruler Uranus which sits in the 9th, making the love nature the most visible part of the Self, seen publicly and emblematic of the reputation, making it almost, unfortunately, Clara’s career. Being placed in Aquarius likely only confused the matter for her, as Aquarian Venus may mistake ideas for love, and values having modern attitudes toward relationship–and what could be more modern in tradition bound, early 20th century Catholic Italy than ‘free love’ (very Aquarian!) and status as an openly acknowledged mistress? clara-petacci

Her Venus rules the 1st and 6th, making it integral to the persona and to everyday interaction and activity. It trines Mars, ruler of the 12th, and here we have a suggestion that co-operation with the male energies in the life might be not only easy and comfortable, but an expression of love with origins in the subconscious (12th connection). The only other aspect for Venus is a semi-square to Juno, automatically linking Venusian subjects to personal empowerment as a woman. With so few contacts it may have been inevitable that Venus was able to express in only the handful of ways she knew how.

Her Moon is in Cancer in the 2nd, making for a sensitive and nurture-seeking and giving nature, the success of which likely was reflected in how she felt about and saw herself, a Moon expression more vulnerable than most to the emotional appeal of a mistress’ situation of caretaking and ‘special’ status. Her Sun is in Pisces conjunct Chiron in the 11th; this may have only reinforced the idea that she and her nature were the commodities she had to share with the world. It’s a hyper-sensitive combination and placement, to some extent dependent for identity security on feedback from friends and other allies, and likely imparting the feeling that she was very much synchronous with the Collective.

Her Neptune is, like the Moon, in Cancer, but in the 3rd, perhaps showing vulnerabilities in communication, and an idea that she may have felt connected to the Collective through thought and ideas–but it can also suggest she may have believed she knew what the Collective was thinking, and this is something she badly misjudged. At war’s end Clara Petacci suffered the same fate as her lover, shot, then the next day dragged through the streets, hung upside down, and mutliated by an angry mob, and I can’t help but wonder how shocked she must have been at the Collective she probably felt so much a part of, and which she was sure she understood, turning on her as all the things she valued through Venus came crashing down.

Clara Petacci clearly attached love to the world of concepts and ideas, to the subconscious, to animus energies in herpetacci-portrait life (and it appears she probably ceded her own animus to Mussolini, as well), and had a deep need to be loved and nurtured on both an individual and a larger, public level. Like all of us, she was looking for unconditional love and acceptance in the only ways she knew how. It’s rumored that in the last hours of her life she was offered the chance to go free, but she declined; and what kind of life would it have been for her if she had, having lost her Venusian status, the man who carried her animus, and her illusions about the nature of love and her role within the Collective? Clara confused her relationship with love itself, and in not sorting out the difference, would have suffered at the end of the war whether she’d gone on to live or ended her life as she did, at the hands of those for whom she was a symbol of the worst of Venus.

Please note, this article uses a Placidus chart for analysis. See my book on the astrology of intimate relationships at Dog and Sunflower Press http://dogandsunflower.wordpress.com

‘What You’re Asking’: Retrogrades, Rapists, and Marrying Yourself

28 Wednesday Jan 2009

Posted by in aspects and placements, Eros, natal placement, Psyche, relationship astrology, Retrogrades

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Since the vast majority of recent searches have something to do with the current eclipse cycle, there wasn’t nearly the variety of queries from which to choose as I usually find, but of course, I did find some interesting questions worth addressing.

What is the meaning of natal Chiron retrograde?

There are a great many astrologers who put much interpretive stock in a planet or asteroid’s retrograde status, but I’m not one of them. I respect their reasoning; if it works in their interpretive picture, who am I to say otherwise? For myself, I’ve come to believe that, with retrogradation as an apparent, rather than a physical, phenomenon, it does have a meaning within our symbolic system, it’s just that, rather than giving the state of retrogradation its own meaning, I see the meaning as coming from the planet or point’s aspect picture to the other bodies, and particularly to the Sun. Each of the bodies that retrogrades does so in relation to the Sun, and so the meaning, for me, is held in the aspect picture, in the relationship, rather than in a simple direct or retrograde assessment. For instance, Uranus is always retrograde when it is opposed the Sun; this, then, has its own meaning, and keeps the focus on the relationship between the two bodies. Uranus will never ever ever be direct when opposing the Sun–and the parsing out of Uranian energies to Soul energies will reflect this dissonance, this oppositional stance–we don’t need to label Uranus as anything but what it is essentially, in that sign and House; understanding comes of the way it works, of its attitude, as it does for each of us in learning about ourselves, in our relationships to one another and the world that surrounds us.

The one exception I make to this is in Secondary Progression. I think its most useful function is to alert us to the fundamental change in energy that a body undergoes on changing direction. When a planet that has been direct all one’s life goes retrograde by Secondary Progression, the internal form of the energy seems to be drawn back in upon itself; these periods almost always insist on a long, slow mulling of the forms the energy takes in the life, and, eventually, modifications that bring it forward once more. The opposite is also true: when a planet goes direct by Secondary Progression we typically see leaps forward in either the understanding of or in dealing with the energy.

What does the natal chart of a rapist look like?

I’ve never had a client who was a rapist (that I know of!), so I have no first hand knowledge, but my interest in this was piqued about ten years ago, when my daughter Alex first became actively interested in boys and dating, but would on occasion comment, “I don’t like that guy; he’s got a rapist vibe.” Well of course she was joking and exaggerating, but conveying an essential truth at the same time: to her senses, this individual would not recognize another person’s autonomy, would not respect their boundaries, physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental, and so was not a good person with whom to interact. She felt that, eventually, someone like that would ‘rape’ all they contacted, one way or another.

I began, then, to think of rape in terms that perhaps would show some or all of these characteristics in the personality, and thus in the chart. We know that rape is not a crime of sex or desire but a crime of aggression and violence. Some possibilities (and naturally, many will have some of these placements and they will not be rapists–or, they may be the kind of rapists society condones, those who harm mentally or emotionally, and thus are hard to recognize or pin down, or whose aggressive tendencies are funneled into professions where it’s very difficult to pick the healthy person from the rapist, until they are put under pressure–and we’re including those who rape the spirit, as well–the military, the clergy, the prosecutorial, the protective, or any line of work that puts others at one’s mercy or under one’s authority, even parents–so nearly everyone, in one role or another): a sociopathic unconcern with the feelings or welfare of others is a main feature (Venus, Moon, and/ or the Sun wounded by Chiron, Pluto, or Saturn); aggression that may have a ‘back door’ into many life areas, such as a lot of placements in Aries or Scorpio, a strong Pluto, and almost any ego or Self-related energy that is somehow trapped, possibly by interception, posited in the 12th, or with few or no aspects–you may be wondering why I don’t list Mars, and the fact is that it’s such a fundamental expression of ego and action that it tends to be able to find its way ‘out’ no matter what! Classics include Mars/ Pluto contacts, but I find that they must be involved in some other precipitating factors before they are actually volatile, and if either or both are configured with Saturn they can be harnessed for good, with 50/50 chances of positive expression in cases where, for example, they are configured with Jupiter (big exaggeration OR society provides the standards and restraints). Neptune is also often a strong factor, either by matching their own behavior to unrealistic ideals and expectations (which are often imposed upon others–‘Carrie”s mother is a perfect example!) or through a twisted use of the Neptunian charm, ability to obscure, to delude, to present an illusory image to others. Of course there are as many possibilities as there are people; it all comes down to choices about how we use the energies that we have. See the works of Caroline Myss for more on the ways that we can suffer (and inflict) an energy of rape without ever laying a hand on another. THE GIFT OF FEAR by Gavin de Becker is essential reading for all women in our society, and gives excellent descriptions that will help your instincts overcome your programming.

What is the meaning of Psyche and Eros conjunct?

First, you know I use Arcturus as the planet Psyche, not the designated asteroid, based on Michael Munkasey’s work, and I do this because it works. You don’t say whether this is a synastric aspect between charts or in a single natal chart, so, synastry first: since Eros and Psyche were happily married, this could be one interpretive suggestion, though beware jealous and possessive mothers-in-law, catty sisters, and hot oil lamps. If this is in a natal chart, it could suggest a high degree of Self-satisfaction and a feeling of Self-completion, good for confidence but unlikely to support positive relationship interaction, simply because one may lack a driving need for another–look at the state of Venus and Mars, the state of the 7th of all others, as well as the overall Sun picture, to determine the possible impact.

What is the meaning of quincunx Ceres?

There is no meaning to this phrase, and here’s why: aspects are relative, and bodies gain their meaning in connection to points or bodies, so this is like saying, “A cookie is better.” Better than what? There is an implied comparative here, and without it, the phrase on its own is meaningless. We can’t even say, ‘in aspect Ceres acts like this’ because she will act differently with different energies–quincunx a partner’s Mars, perhaps, she may come across as motherly, and if she doesn’t adjust (quincunx) she’ll quash any potential romance; quincunx one’s own Pluto, one may be drawn to gardening, nature conservancy, baking, basket weaving, or negotiating quite early in life. So, like everything else, context is all–sit back, have a cookie, and don’t worry about it.

A Trick of Memory

27 Tuesday Jan 2009

Posted by in astrology, Mercury retrograde, relationship astrology

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Recently a good question was asked by April in the comments section on another page, wondering about the return to conscious consideration of a friend from her past during the Mercury retrograde. April had mixed feelings about whether to contact her, and wanted to know what the impulse might mean, in light of the way the Mercury retro period spurs us to re-visit events, efforts, and contacts; and when those elements come from what feels like a distant past, stirring up uncomfortable emotions, we rightly question their deeper meaning.

As I said to April, these impulses to contact those from our past, or the actual re-appearance by those with whom we’ve previously been involved, seem consistently to bring with them conflicting emotions, and present us with a choice: do we want to step back into a relationship that makes us on some level distinctly ill at ease, beginning mid-stream, so to speak, with issues already present between the parties, or do we want to ignore the past, and the way it has become reinvested with life?

It seems that the person and situation presented, whether from one’s own memory or by the appearance of the individual, carries with it a kind of challenge, one that makes us uncomfortable because of the way we handled the situation with this person in the past. We harbor guilt, or shame, or resentment, or in some way felt misunderstood or helpless, and are still carrying the psychic shadow of this harm to our spirit; it is still there, and we have carried it and layered it over with time and new experiences and relationships and haven’t realized or acknowledged that the wound is still there, still present and sensitive beneath its many covers.

So when it comes to the surface, no matter the source, we must at the very least re-observe the wound; we must inspect it for what it really is, what we really were at the time, and see the true responsibilities of all parties involved. This is how the retrograde serves us: it brings us this matter at precisely the right time–we are now matured, wiser, more experienced, in the very way we needed to be to bring this issue to conclusion in the past–but at the time we didn’t have the emotional and spiritual resources that would allow us to understand the situation in its true light, and to see what our real part in it was; and this is always something that would not rightly shame, or sadden, or wound us at all. Instead, in the now, we see how the past, and this relationship, mislead us into believing that there was something wrong in who we were, that we were inadequate; and the gift of the now, during the retrograde, is to see that we were not inadequate at all, that we only needed to discover our own Self-worth, and to measure it correctly.

The retrograde period will come to an end this weekend, and with it the chance to clear the ghosts from our memories. So let go of the feelings of shame, inadequacy, upset at less-than-optimum responses, guilt, and anger. Forgive the involvement of the other person; see, without distractions or blinders, exactly who they are–this is an assessment, not a judgment, so we lay no blame at their feet. And then we forgive the person we were then; we see that we were injured, that there were things we had yet to learn or process, that perhaps we had not experienced or accepted the love that would have given us the proper tools for response. And perhaps most important, we must see that if we truly forgive ourselves, there’s no need to renew this contact at all; the wound heals, the issue resolves itself, and we lose the impetus to meet the circumstance again. The pull is gone and, at least momentarily, we know and love precisely who we are.

Monday Poll Round-Up, the Frozen North, and Shoes a Flyin’

15 Monday Dec 2008

Posted by in astrology, Nodal Axis, relationship astrology

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Good morning, and welcome to the Monday Poll Round-Up here in the frozen north. We’re enjoying unusually low temperatures for this part of the world, and join our brethren on the eastern coast of the US in power outages, ice storms, and slippery mayhem of all kinds. The weather was probably a big factor in the answers to the question concerning weekend plans, with a full 25% choosing escape of some kind (a hole, partying, or isolation fueled by paranoia) and another 25% going for a mini-vacation; I hope all of you got the relief and rejeuvenation you sought. As for the other half of respondents, we gritted our teeth and dealt as best we could, maybe not the smartest strategy for our mental health; joining a friend in a hole or at a party might have been a better choice, considering the weather induced stress I’m seeing all around me this morning!

Observation of the Nodes as they move through the natal chart might be higher on many people’s lists in future; it’s not surprising that half of respondents said they hadn’t really tracked the transiting Nodes progress or effects, while others have a leg up on us: 29% say they count on contact for positive change, and 21% for negative–kudos to those who’ve been observing this all along!

And kudos to our president for such spry reflexes and for noting that the freedom to hurl that shoe was something that likely would not have existed before the US arrival, but thumbs down on his inability to take this expression of outrage and frustration seriously (and where, I wondered, were the Secret Service–shouldn’t they have been on that guy as soon as he stood up and raised his arm?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8GOrc0-Ygg  It seems imperative to me that Bush treat this journalist’s quite literal acting out of Uranus in Pisces seriously. That energy is nearing the natural stress point that occurs for any energy late in a sign, and with Uranus this could signal a serious rejection of a continued US presence in Iraq through explosive rebellion, an attempt to seek an Iraqi version of freedom that quite naturally does not include the US as paternalistic overseer.

How you can help

How you can help

The journalist involved, who normally reports on Sadir City, a minority stronghold and hotbed of violence, has, during the course of this invasion and occupation, been kidnapped, tortured, and lost family members; unfortunately, that’s not an uncommon tale–so who can blame those who’ve had their lives so thoroughly disrupted when they object to the ongoing imposition? The danger here is seen clearly in Bush’s dismissal of this man as kooky, a nut, someone who just did something silly for attention; I see this man as a symbol of seething frustration–and when someone shows their profound anger and upset, one must respect and acknowledge that, even when one doesn’t agree with it. Mr. Bush failed to do so, and in denigrating this man as just a goofball he denigrates the serious feelings of a wide variety of persons, both inside and outside of Iraq, who want this to end. I have one final question for Mr. Bush: if this man was just an attention seeker, why was he arrested, and at this time continues to be held, as if he were a real threat? You can’t have it both ways, George.

And finally we have the plethora of answers gleaned from the question on relationships. We can’t talk absolute numbers since more than one answer from each person was accepted, but we can see some trends among readers of this blog. Nobody put love relationships first and didn’t care about other relationships, and nobody listed friends as a replacement for family; the latter surprised me, as there had been a trend in the late 90s/ early 00s that suggested especially among young professional city dwellers that they were gathering together and creating quasi-families for holiday and social events. I’m wondering if the trend back to connection with actual family isn’t in large part based on the growing economic difficulties; after all, if home is the place that has to take you in when you come to the door, for most people that would hands down be relatives, especially in these tough times.

Registering with a note of misanthropy (or perhaps just a healthy Self-interest) are the 8% who see relationships as needless impediments, and the 8% who love things other than people (and this latter I found very healthy–these are the people who outlive all their peers because they are not too interdependent or enmeshed with others– as long as you’re talking about interests that make living worthwhile, and not Eros centered attention to objects!) But I’m truly concerned with the 3% who believe there’s only one right mate for them, the 15% who hold relationships to impossible ideals, and the 25% (!) who are lonely at a Soul level. My heart goes out to all of you. My prescription to you, as both an astrologer and a human being, is to work on your relationship with yourself and to the Universe; supportive and fulfilling relationships come when that is the focus. Though my answer may sound glib, and is certainly more easily said than done, it is the core of any true happiness, and as such is something we all deserve.

And have a great Monday!